October 6, 2020

Dear Kathy … the picture is of my rescue project. This poor dear Vidalia was trapped in my pantry for an unknown number of months and discovered by me …  Constance the Clueless … when I went to make chili. The poor Vidalia gave off such desperate, needy and sympathetic isolation vibes that I spared her an elderly onion’s fate. I became a hydroponic enabler of the old onion. So, now together we watch how the trees turn color and I am daily rewarded for my merciful decision. Every day she has grown stronger and I am amazed at how beautiful she has become.   She is proof that all you really need is love and moisturizer … Connie

Dear Connie … That Vidalia has turned into an absolute beauty and it would never occur to me that an onion could turn into such a gorgeous plant … And yes, love and moisturizer are miracle cures!!!
 Love you to pieces.  Now that my roof project is finished and my exploding kitchen sick has been replaced, I am much calmer and have much more time than I have had in a month. Will call you this week.  How’s your schedule? … Kathy

Dear Kathy …Glad you are digging your way out of your Slough of Despond. I missed the memo about the exploding sink. Sounds beyond gruesome. I have a zoom today from 5-5:30 … but otherwise I am here dithering and waffling and kvetching my way through each day … Connie p.s.
Vidalia sends her regards

Dear Vidalia … Tell Connie I will call her tomorrow at 11 am my time (2pm her time!)  …  Kathy

Dear Kathy
 … I made herself put your requested calling time on her daily paper-thingy which is pretty much blank. She of course got it wrong and put down 11:00. What a tosser … 
Now it is no skin off my … whatever … if she sits and waits for 3 hours. But let’s face it I am at heart a sweet onion and feel that she might become bitter and disillusioned in herself and take it out on my own sweet self … so as she stood gazing at my splendid and graceful gorgeousness, I rang a peel to alert her to her mistake. And I am delighted to tell you she is now looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow at 2:00. 
Now if only she would put out the light so I can take a nap. We onions have to be up at the crack of dawn … especially if home is a kitchen windowsill … Sweet Vidalia

Vidalia darling … Having isolation brain, I gave you entirely the wrong time. I know you need your early sleep you sweet thing, but get your ass off the window sill and ask herself If tomorrow at 6 her time is ok. And then let me know before you retire for the night. That’s a good girl….  Kathy

Dear Kathy … Excuse me!!! 
Get my ass off this F…ing window sill? Listen sweetheart, these roots are NOT made for walking.  And much as I would like to oblige you, my little green arms … my most beautiful feature by the way … would be seriously traumatized if I were to try climbing down from my pedestal windowsill. 
Instead, I once again rang a peel, and herself got the message. Six is fine. The bar will be open. 

She remarked at how clever I was to be able to assume secretarial duties at such a young onion age. And when I sort of sassed her about her time-keeping, or lack thereof, she got all huffy and called me a rap-scallion. 
The nerve!!! As if I would EVER be confused with one of those slick lowdown green onions! She apologized … no tears were shed. She said she was only trying to lighten the mood … no fear.  We are back on track and I am working on getting the lights off. 

So, happy to help you out with your plans for tomorrow. 
We all get by with a little help from our friends …
Amazing Vidalia 

Dear rap-scallion! You are amazing,  your talent does bring me to tears. We are on for tomorrow. You are the best staff assistant ever…. Kathy

October 10, 2020

This correspondence follows Visalia being transferred from a glass ramekin filled with water to a decorative white ceramic planter full of soil. 

Dear Kathy,   OMG I hope you are sitting down!
You are not going to believe what has happened!!! Herself … she who is apparently suffering from some sort of isolation brain and early onset holiday guilt and avoidance … she unilaterally decided that I needed to move! 

Hello! Can we talk about her lack of respect for my sovereign state and personal space?? I mean, there we were, late this afternoon, conferring about dinner preparations, when she up and threw me into a pot of …. well, words fail me! I am so distraught! Who would have thought it of her? Who elected her chief Schnitzel?

I mean I was really happy in my little glass house. And, you must admit, my impact was stunning. With my long gracefully positioned arms framing the view, I created a wonderfully positive vibe … reminding herself daily of spring and new growth and good things to come … yadda, yadda, yadda. Now, you would have thought she could leave it at that.  But NOOOO … she was worried that I needed some sort of care and feeding. I really wish she would stop with the worry! 

Now, admittedly it gets a bit tiring keeping it positive all the time … that whole happiness-is-just-around-the-corner is a song-and-dance if ever there was one! I mean let’s be real … in this day and age nobody believes that! And, given that I was beginning to go a little beige at my tips, I guess she felt it was time.   But still it came as a shock that she was willing to take such drastic steps with no consultation. I thought we were a team, but I guess not! 

For God’s sake … this is my life we are talking about, and she just rips me out of bed and buries me in shit because she has a few minutes to spare, while she hard boils eggs and makes dinner. 

I admit my water diet was a bit restrictive, but I am, as you know always willing to sacrifice carbs and sugar for beauty.  But … oh no … herself felt that I was looking a bit peaked … despite the fact that she herself has been dieting! Come on! She can drink and nosh and pat herself on the back for avoiding the obese truck, but I have to have my tail buried in dust and dirt … as if she even knows what she is doing!  F…ing Farmer Wannabe. 

So, I am writing to you as my next of kin … being yourself a rapscallion … not for help, as I realize we are way beyond that … but for commiseration and sympathy. Wish me luck. The living-in-dirt thing is a great unknown hurdle over which I would have been most happy to have never leapt. But such is my life.  No control and no clue. 

On the positive side, herself did give me a really beautiful house, and my hips look quite fetching against the soft white and contrasting soil. But … I mean it is dirt!!! It is dirty!!! Is it really necessary for good health for one to be buried in dirt? I wish I knew. 

Wish me luck. 
And, if you know anyone who is a real farmer or knowledgeable in any way about agricultural practices, would you ask them, please, if life as I know it is at an end?
 …Valiant Vidalia 

October 18, 2020

 Vidalia!!!  I found a random onion ring in the kitchen this morning so I answered it.   Thought it might be you calling because I have taken almost a week to answer you and you are always SO spoiled for attention.   

Listen here girl.   Herself is a wonderful nurturing person, and she has moved you into a BEAUTIFUL new home. You want to talk about sovereign states?   Go talk to George Bush.  He was as ridiculous about sovereignty as you are being now.  And your personal space!!?????  Stop pulling your hair out by the roots!  Your roots were drowning, girl, and now you have been gifted actual LAND rights, where yourself can lay down all the roots you need, and you even have a beautiful circular wall around the earth you now own. Himself in the White House is jealous of your wall, you ungrateful little snit.  No commiseration and sympathy from me. Fellow rapscallion or not.  

Now you must write me a one paragraph essay on how you are jumping out of your skin with joy in your new residence.

And give my love to Herself, who is more loving than you deserve.  If you are not careful, she will carve you into a pogo stick, and you will just be a lowly spring onion . .. Kathy

Kathy!!!  Spring onion … Humpf!  A snit! Yeah? 
Well, this girly onion wants to a-peel your judgment call. 
So yes, you are right … herself did do it all for me. I admit my future benefit was her only motivation in putting me to bed in this … whatever you want to call it. But even she has confessed to qualms about how my new digs are affecting my overall beautiful-ness. She wants you to know that these, my later years, are not a good look for me. She won’t even take my picture to send to you, dear friend. And as for jumping out of my skin … well suffice it to say I miss my baby fine chubby cheeks. They have gone to the big onion in the sky. 
I know herself is doing all she can to atone for her questionable actions … but giving me a companion chrysanthemum to cheer me up is just so cold. There is nothing more annoyingly yuppie than a preppy mum in a cute little plastic pot all flowery and full of good cheer sitting there looking smug while you experience your worst-ever hair day. 
So, I am still hanging in there and doing what I can to get myself back into shape, but now that it is here, the future doesn’t look anything like I expected … it makes me tearful to think of the past, but herself tells me to get over myself. 
Miss you and miss me too … Very valiant Vidalia

October 19, 2020

Dear Vidalia!  My god – your hair.  Herself sent me a picture. No wonder you hate your new sill mate.  Your hair is so long you would think you are a fellow Covid-19 Quarantine Captive who cannot get to a hairdresser. Not true and you know it.  Tell Herself to get out her best shears asap and give you a cute punk spiky haircut.  You will feel marvelous.  And then I want another picture …Kathy

Dear Kathy … Vidalia tells me she has written to tell you of her sad plight. But contrary to her rather overwrought account I am sympathetic to her concerns. I did take a picture as I thought you might like to see her with her pretty little chrysanthemum friend … they do look cute together, but I guess the mum will have to go elsewhere … it is after all Vidalia’s windowsill …Connie

 Dear Kathy … So, herself didn’t think I needed such a punk kind of haircut and this is by way of being a compromise, I guess. I have to say I do like the asymmetry of it and it feeds into the correct growth pattern of my hair. I mean the cowlicks are really something fierce but then again, it’ll grow back … I hope. But I think given time she might recognize that total punk is more my style. 
But don’t you just love the two little curls in the middle of my forehead? You know what they said about that little girl that had a little curl …Thanks for getting herself to buy into the makeover. I am so much more a-peeling this way …
Vibrant Vidalia 

 November 10, 2020

It is with deep sadness that we announce the passing of Vidalia Onion. She leaves behind a beautiful white flower pot and fond memories of better times. Hers was indeed an extraordinary life, filled with a fierce and crying need to make the world a more beautiful place. She was always one to recognize those that knew their onions, and had an apeeling sense of humor. Tragically, her life as a windowsill diva was cut short by a kitchen disaster involving hot coffee and a scatter rug. I urge you to weep at her demise, knowing that is all that she ever wanted.

Due to the current pandemic crisis, funeral services are to be private, but a memorial service will be held at some later date.

In lieu of yuppie mums and other bogus flowery tributes, donations may be made to the Alliance for Aged Allium. (Bitcoin and onion rings not accepted)


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