GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF

What an odd expression. Like it is possible to stay even, let alone get ahead of anything these days. Although I suppose it might possibly explain Deja vu … that feeling that you have been there and done that, and took a million pictures of the occasion. Deja vu does in fact feel as if you got ahead of yourself and are now meeting yourself coming back from going. So, I guess in that instance you could say that you indeed got ahead of yourself.

Also, “I’m getting ahead of myself,” is often heard in the conversational fog created by a social drone. I don’t mean the flying & hovering type of drone, but that boring yada-yada human drone with a voice guaranteed to make you grit your teeth to keep from yawning. It is one of their favored expressions, used primarily to twist an endless narrative back to its starting point, and indicates that you will still be waiting for the real point of the story to be reached long after everyone else has gone home! Seriously, no one is at all interested in the side bar of any story that includes this phrase. So, just in case you catch yourself saying it, BEWARE! Your audience has long since checked out.

However, I digress. In fact, the phrase recently came to mind because I am trying to get ahead of my chubby self by eating well and avoiding trigger foods. Here I should point out that trigger foods have nothing to do with Roy Rodger’s horse and what palominos might or might not prefer in the way of oats or carrots … although now I think about it, it seems ironic that Trigger’s favorite foods were so completely opposite to mine … with the exception of carrot cake of course. Anyway, I have not had much luck steering clear of the yummy jammy crunchy stuff. I do keep trying to sneak one by the sly and crafty me who has no will power. I have tried stashing snack food out in the car in hopes I will forget it is out there in the garage, available for consumption. As if that is even remotely possible. I mean, if it is out there, and if it is really good, and if it will destroy my diet, then I will never forget it is there. I will hunt it down and hoover it up. My bad self is the ultimate hunter/gatherer of snack food.

So, in anticipation of summer … the season the unforgiving bathing suit, and potato chip flab … I am trying to get ahead of my bad self once again. I have tippy-toed into the first difficult and crucial phase by clearing out anything in the way of fun food from my pantry. I told my bad self I could finish what was there but not replace it. As a result, I no longer have any salty, crunchy, fatty, or tasty stuff either in the pantry or in the car.

Sadly, there is a black hole where my pantry used to be. I have sucked up all the crunchy-salty good stuff and I am now left with a bag of dried black beans, random canned goods, saltines, and rice. The up-side is that I have discovered a number of ways to increase the caloric value of saltines, but the down side is, once they are gone that’s it!

Sigh. What I wouldn’t give for a fabulous sticky roll right about now!

Getting ahead of my bad self is a real challenge. However, while I struggle against a yen for fast food, the real warfront is elsewhere. The ultimate daily battle I wage is against inertia. There is no part of me that feels the need to expend energy beyond what is required for basic human existence. Exercise holds no interest for me. In my universe, standing up and walking to the fridge is really all that one should need in the way of exercise. So, the war against my lazy bad self has become a real slug fest, with me as the slug! Good intentions don’t cut it when the weather is bad, or my knee is bothering me, or the wind is blowing. There are in fact an endless litany of reasons I don’t go out to do my 30-minute mile up the hill and back. Indeed, I have found that walking around the house while on the phone, cruising the aisles of Costco, and taking out the recycle are all exercise of a sort. Whatever works. Us couch potatoes enjoy all the comforts of life in the slow lane.

But I get ahead of myself … summer is still over a month away, and by then it will most likely be too hot to walk comfortably. But not to worry, I’m not sure where my bathing suit is anyway.