BIG DADDY KALE

I have recently struck up an acquaintance with the Flavonoids … Big Daddy Kale, Momma Parsley, Uncle Edamame, Cousin Red Cabbage, Baby Berries, and all the rest. They are an odd bunch, the Flavonoids. As a family, aside from the name, they are mostly boring as hell. But I have to say I respect them for their expertise in the use of social media. Like the Kardashians, the Flavonoids suddenly appeared out of nowhere and are now the darlings of the nuts n berry movement. (Er, that is not strictly correct. The Kardashians are just everywhere on social media and have nothing to do with berries, only nuts.)  However, it turns out Flavonoids are really very difficult to entertain. I had them all for dinner the other night, and it is safe to say I will not do that again. Talk about dominating personalities! They would not shut up! Nevertheless, my mother raised me to be polite and I shall make an effort to get to know them better … one at a time. After all, just because they have no taste does not mean I should ghost them. There were one or two who aren’t all that bad, and appeared to play well with others. But overall, left to their own devices, they are wont to destroy the zest and joy of any dinner party to which they are invited.

Besides as I have discovered, their hype is misleading. For instance, chocolate and tea are listed as being part of the family. However, only the darkest of dark chocolate … sans milk … is considered to be part of their family. Milk chocolate is not even considered a second cousin twice removed. It seems the presence of milk means one is no longer eligible to be part of the cardboard and sand Flavonoid family. So unless you drink your tea black and your chocolate is in brick form, you are fooling yourself about their place on the Flavonoid Family tree.

We all know Big Daddy Kale is super wonderful, the wunderkind of the nutritional world. But it turns out his specialty is shown to best advantage only in a petri dish and the test tube world.

And that heavy hitter of the Flavonoids, Mr. Blackberry … all juice and seeds … he is seldom found without his mobster friend Sugar. So not exactly without sin.

Then there is the mystic and enigmatic Uncle Edamame. It would seem the all-knowing guru of the East, the Samurai of Flavonoids tastes best served with salt. And again, I ask why bother?

Not to put too fine a point on it, as a family the Flavs have gotten too big for their britches. I think it is time for them to rein it in a bit. Daddy Kale has become something of a joke on the standup circuit. However, he shouldn’t be sneered at for his dominant nature. He is, after all only a vegetable, not a miracle cure. I have found he responds nicely to a sympathetic hand. He likes to have his curly bits chopped and added to soup where he is content to listen to the conversation of other flavors. There is no need to vilify his dark curls. Give him some positive reinforcement and encouragement and he will add some color to the dinner conversation. But cut him off if he gets too vocal. And don’t let him get started on his family genealogy. Boring, boring, boring!

As for the others, I am working on it. I know those nice off-spring of the Greater Flavonoids, Cherries, and Citrus are always up for a party, and Blueberry Flavs are most welcome in season. But the Parsley and the Red Cabbage branch of the family will take some time getting to know as anything other than outliers meant to garnish and dress. I mean we all know mayonnaise will cure any evil flavor, but doesn’t the mayo sort of cancel out the nutritional value.

However, Flavonoids really are not all bad. As it turns out, at the end of their list of family members is that sure cure for all that ails you … Red Wine. Quelle Surprise!